I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
