I think I died a long time ago.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
