oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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