I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
They have beer where we have blood.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
