i'm signing you up for texting rehab
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
