You don't have asthma, your pregnant
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Randomize
