its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
