I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
This show inspires me to have sex in space
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
