I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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