And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
