I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
