FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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