i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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