Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
