The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
