Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Randomize
