News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
