I haven't been this sober since birth.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
