we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
What a dumb baby whore.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
