i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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