I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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