3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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