my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
