i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
