Who did Billy Mays play for?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
