i love accidental penises.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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