I need to stop coming to work sober
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
