you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
