i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I want her autograph on my taint
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
