A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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