I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
