Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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