omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
