making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
