what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
