turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
