Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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