I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
