how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
