Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
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