my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
