Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
