I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
