Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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