I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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