ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
