I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
