Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
it's great music for shaving your balls
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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