Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
