Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
