New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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