I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
