I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
